Life lessons from a new mom

Last week I visited my sister Jen and her husband Chad at their home in Washington. It was just 12 days after Jen gave birth to her first child so I will always treasure this time together and the chance to get to meet their new little boy, Ben. Being an aunt so far is awesome and I am so proud of my sister! She is doing a great job as a new mom!

As sisters do, we talked a lot during my trip. It was really fascinating listening to my sister explain her experiences with infertility, pregnancy and the sudden switch to motherhood. I appreciate my sister’s willingness to let me in on her personal experiences with motherhood and letting me write about it for my blog.

The decision to start a family is a big one for most people! For some people it comes easily; they have always wanted to be parents and they have little problems getting pregnant. For other couples, it is a much harder decision or process. Some people fear what impact having a child will have on their personal or social life, and understandably so! Many experience another setback: infertility. For a variety of reasons some couples just have a harder time than expected getting pregnant or carrying a baby to term. Unfortunately, this can dramatically mark a beautiful process with pain and confusion for many couples. 

As a certified life coach focused on helping people make major life decisions and successfully maneuver through big life transitions or changes, my conversations with Jen were absolutely fascinating. I have yet to become a mom, but the whole process of pregnancy and child raising has always been fascinating to me. I loved my developmental psychology classes in school because I could see life with a wide-angle lens. Frequently I zoom in on just one or two elements of my life so it is always helpful when my perspective widens. My time with my sister has definitely given me new insight into the transition into parenthood and I want to share with you a few of my favorite highlights and life lessons from our time together.

The power of involving other people. Jen and I talked about what has helped her throughout the process of fertility treatments, being pregnant, giving birth and her first few days as a mom. It was easy to see that many of her answers revolved around including other people. She relied on two close friends a lot: one who had recently given birth for the first time and one who was pregnant and due around the same date as her. Over the past year, these friends helped her process her fears and questions as her body and life began to change. Her baby classes through Kaiser were a great source of information, but also a great way to meet other pregnant ladies also due around September. She also read a lot of blogs about things they don’t tell you about newborns, timelines and balancing working out with being a mom. She used Pinterest boards to learn about which products to buy and what to take to the hospital. For baby care, she loves “The Happiest Baby on the Block” video by Harvey Karp, M.D. which goes over the 5 S's for soothing babies. Our mom visited for two weeks right around the birth and took care of most of the housework, which let my sister focus on just being a mom. Jen could sleep and rest knowing that Ben was in good hands with our mom. I am impressed with my sister's wide variety of resources and how she involved so many people in her process! 

To use this many resources is such a great example of humility. She had, and still has, no problem admitting that she has a lot to learn about motherhood and needs support and information from others.

Lesson #1: When we are starting a new chapter in life, involving others for support or information can be an incredible strategy for learning and coping as life changes! We need to follow her example of remaining humble and be open to asking for help, something I am not always good at doing. I’m thankful that my sister reminded me of this truth. 

Sometimes life changes are hard to comprehend until the change is already underway. Even though my sister was pregnant for nine months, all the while preparing and waiting for motherhood to come, the transition seemed instantaneous upon the birth of her son. Before then, it was hard to grasp the fact that she was growing a little human inside her body and that her dream was becoming true. It didn’t seem real yet to her and the only life experience that seemed similar was getting married, which helps her maneuver through her new life.

I really like the way she explained this comparison to me; “It is like getting married and getting to know someone new. You are suddenly with someone 100% of the time. It is the same with Ben (her son). All of a sudden being a mother clicked when they plopped Ben on my chest. Before then it was really hard to picture a little human inside me. He isn’t really a stranger though like Chad was a stranger; he has my DNA.” Her words make me chuckle a little bit, but they also show how she was processing one of the biggest changes in her life.

This Gerber onesie says it all!

As expected, Jen had nine months leading up to the big day of her son’s birth to get ready for motherhood, however she couldn't really comprehend what was happening in her life until the very moment the change became 100% real. There he was, laying on her chest, saying hello to the world for the very first time. It wasn’t until that moment, when she was in the very real experience of being a mom, that she felt the change happen...and then it was instant! This long awaited reality was hers now. She has wanted to be a mom for more than a decade and now this wish was finally coming true!

Lesson #2: Some changes in life are hard to grasp and fully understand until the change is already taking place, even with a lot of preparation. Jen texted me a picture of Ben on her chest shortly after his birth and said "This is so amazing." Her simple text told me that despite all her concerns about being a new mom and the odd changes her body was going through, she was doing just fine! Going through something brand new in life, whether it is having your first child, moving to a new state, or making a career change, the change can be hard to fully comprehend, but with time it all comes together...and sometimes all you will be able to say is "this is so amazing!

Learn as you go and be okay not knowing. As a new mom so much of my sister’s current life is brand new to her, even though she has given many hours to taking care of other people’s young kids. She is learning very quickly and just taking life one day at a time. She commented at one point, “You get a lot of practice really quick with breast feeding and diaper changing because you do it so many times in the first few days. Nothing prepares you for it; you just figure it out quickly.” Jen’s learn-as-you-go approach was so good for me to hear because my personality is one that loves to plan and I naturally want to be ready for whatever comes my way.

He had her heart instantly!

Just a few days after my return home, Jen told me about her morning visit to the doctor’s office for Ben. She expected the visit to take much longer and the doctor to give her way more aftercare instructions for Ben than what she received. She texted, “I’ve only been a mom for 18 days. I’m still very easily overwhelmed.” I so value her transparency! She still has a lot to learn and sometimes not knowing what to do right away is very difficult.

Lesson #3: Sometimes in life you have to learn in the moment. You can’t prepare… but you can get a lot of experience quickly so the skill and knowledge needed for success (or survival) will come. We just have to be okay not knowing some things and trusting that we will learn as we go! This can make life a bit more emotional but that is totally okay! A transition of this size takes time and when so much of our daily life is new. Small things that normally wouldn’t bother us can have a much larger impact. We just need to keep moving forward, trusting that over time, our new version of life will become normal and much easier to handle.   

Her advice. I asked Jen if she had any advice for new parents, which seems like a great way to end this post. Here is what she had to share:

The happy new dad!

Enjoy every moment. If you want to sit and stare at your baby for three hours, do it.

Remember you are a team. Trust your husband or whoever you are doing this with; let them help too. Trust that your partner is just as worried about your new baby as you are. Remember to be patient with each other. You are both tired and doing something brand new so give each other some slack.

Trust your instincts. Trust your “mommy gut”. You’ll be surprised at how much of it just comes naturally.

The happy new aunt!

Be thankful. Appreciate the opportunity to just be pregnant and have a healthy baby because not everyone can. Remembering how badly you wanted this is especially helpful when you are uncomfortable.

Forget your fears. I had a lot of fears that didn’t come true. Most of our worries are just wasted energy, even though they can feel so real.

Thank you Jen, Chad and little Ben for this wonderful close up view on the transition into parenthood! You've taught me some great life lessons! I look forward to the the years to come and watching your family grow. Thank you for all the pictures, hugs and smiles!

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Can anything make relocating easier?

Not having moved much as a kid or teenager, not even for college, I didn't quite know how disruptive all my moves as a young adult would be to my life. I don't regret my decisions to move from California to Indiana and then to Colorado, but I think the multiple moves in the last decade are taking their toll on me in a variety of ways. Relocating isn't called "uprooting" without valid reason!

This is how ready I feel to pack!

Here I am in my mid-thirties and about to move once again. As excited as I am about buying my first amazing little place and living in a fabulous mountain town, I find myself incredibly resistant to packing and taking care of the practical sides of moving.

Packing is tiring and a slow process for me normally, but also a lot of work socially and emotionally. Each time I've relocated, I've had to say goodbye to friends and familiar places, as well as where significant memories were made and dreams were birthed. Even though I'm an adventurous and social person, it is still hard after moving to be in a town where I don't know many people or which grocery store has the best selection and prices.

Maybe I am tired of packing my life up into boxes and deciding what gets to stay in my life and what must find a new home elsewhere. Maybe I'm tired of saying goodbye to people and places once foreign but now familiar and trusted. Maybe I just wish I didn't have so much stuff to move.

What ever the reasons behind my inner experience, here I am one month out from uprooting my life one more time and wondering why I'm feeling the way I am and if anything can make it easier this time. I feel like I should be doing more to get ready, especially when people keep asking me how the packing is going. I know those shoes, bowls and books won't get themselves up the mountain without my help!

So can anything make relocating easier? Here's 3 things I am trying this week:

Be thankful - The power of gratitude is a popular topic these days both in casual and scientific circles. If you are new to the positive psychology movement check out the founder's TED talk on gratitude. Or take a look at this popular 21 day Gratitude Challenge.

I've learned that an attitude of gratitude can go a long way in changing my negative thinking. I have plenty that I can be thankful for right now such as money to pay for a moving truck, my husband to help carry heavier boxes and nearby family to help lug our couch down 3 flights of apartment stairs. I am thankful for the opportunity to live and work in beautiful Estes Park, CO where wildlife crosses my path daily and the mountains surround my every side! I'm grateful that we are buying a home where we can live as long as we both should like, without the need to deal with a poorly run rental office or renewing an annual lease. I'm so thankful for friends in California and Indiana that call, text or visit me regularly to keep our relationship strong over the distance.

Being thankful for these things lifts my mood and my mind. The appreciation gives me motivation to move forward and put in the effort it will take to reap my reward.

Be patient - I can already tell that I will need to put some items in storage when we move, much against my heart's desire, but our new place just isn't that big. I've decided to be patient with life and be okay with the fact that my new cute little home is just that - little.  Just because something I own is in storage and temporarily out of my daily life doesn't mean it is gone forever. I trust that whatever I can't fit in my new place will patiently wait in storage for my return.

Honestly I am not a patient person by nature though. I frequently live life too fast and once I make up my mind about something I want to make it happen now! Alabama's song "I'm In A Hurry To Get Things Done" is sadly, yet frequently, an appropriate theme song for me. Making new friends, learning the ways around a new town, finding a new church or an open soccer league simply take time.As much as I have wanted and expected resettling to be an instant transition, I now know it just takes time to get reestablished after a move. Life can only unfold so fast and rushing a natural process only cheapens the experience or lessens the outcome. I've chosen to be patient with myself and my life, letting my habits, routines and relationships develop one day at a time in my new place.

Being patient lets me live in the present and really enjoy all that is right in front of me. Patience helps me accept my daily life and put it into perspective. I can fend off disappointment and fatigue better when I wait willingly because I don't over do life.

Be kind - This one seems so simple, but it hits me deeply as I reflect on what makes relocating easier for me. Being kind certainly goes along with being thankful; I need to be nice to the people who help carry boxes and furniture down too many flights of stairs and I need to be kind to the new people I meet if I have any hopes of making new friends. I need to be liberal with my kindness, not selective with a here and there "thank you". Who throws out just one or two pieces of confetti at a good party?

I find that I need to be kind to myself too, perhaps as strange as that sounds. I need to be nice to myself as I go through this next big life decision and transition. Being kind to myself looks like taking the time to soak in the tub after a long day of packing. It feels like not getting mad if something breaks during the truck trip up the mountain. Being kind or nice to myself means stopping when enough is enough and realizing there is always more I can do tomorrow. Without a doubt being nice to myself is accepting the fact that I feel resistant to packing and that I have valid reasons for wishing I could have all of my favorite belongings just magically appear up in my new place and exactly where I want them! If that is how I feel, that is okay.

Being kind makes my heart and mind softer, willing to yield more to my present reality and accept life as it is, for myself and those around me.

Hopefully, over the next month as I get ready to move focusing on being thankful, patient and kind will make this relocation a little easier. I know I am blessed and that no transition is every easy or instant.

If you have tips to share about how to make a relocation easier, please share your wisdom. Thanks for reading!

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